Sometimes I wonder..
What if I wasn’t born..
What if I didn’t live..
Cuz right now it just seems like it wouldn’t matter if I was gone.
I feel I bring such a burden to those around me.
That really… No matter how much I really try.. I could never make them proud.
I’ve failed them twice.. And I would think third time is the charm.. But right now I feel that I’m about to fall apart again.
I remember feeling like this about a year ago..
A boy saved me however. Showed me and reminded me that I had a reason to live.
But now that feeling is crawling back again… I can sense that I’m slowly falling apart and that it’s eating up inside of me.
I’ve been such a weight on my loved ones..
I’m not the smartest girl.. I’m not a doctor or engineer or a business person.
I’m doing my best to make them proud. But I still feel it’s my good enough.
I’m not like my sister who has gotthe talent and entertainment.. Where one day she’ll go big in this world.
I’m not my brother who has a disability, where my parents are always around for him.. Who praises him because he’s smart.
I’m just the other daughter.. The oldest daughter… The daughter who is supposed to be a role model for the young ones. But I failed. I know I’ve failed..
Just once would I like to noticed for my hard efforts by my parents. That’s all I really wanted.. To make the proud of me. To feel loved.
Sure they say they love me.. But I don’t know why I can’t feel the same love they give to me and to my siblings..
It just feels unbalanced to me.

I was too excited to go to California.. But now i don’t even anymore. Come to think of it.. I wonder if I really was a mistake.. Being the first born and all.
What if I wasn’t wanted? What if they never expected to have a child at that time? They weren’t prepared? What if they’re just putting up with me?

I don’t know what feels worse right now.. The fact that I have a pounding headache and I’m bawling my eyes out in the dark… Or the fact that I feel unwanted, unloved and will never make my family proud?